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Why a bidet is the best gift ever. Yes, a bidet.

Elliot Friar

The typical gift guide won’t include a bidet attachment -- they’re rightfully filled with artisan scented candles and quirky phone accessories -- but a cheeky bidet-attachment is a no-brainer for your loved one’s butts, no butts about it.

It’s v practical. Practirectal? There’s something there.

Gifts you can use everyday are the piece de resistance of holiday gift piles. And a bidet is practical from the get-go when you have to go after your big post-holiday meal. It’s the gift that keeps on giving… your gift recipient a clean butt, and a constant reminder to the spray-receiver that you’re someone who truly has got their backside.

Doo it for the reaction. And film it so they become a YouTube star.

Millions of people will fake smile and tepidly mutter a disingenuous “I love this” or “I’ve been wanting this” after unwrapping a mediocre gift over the holidays. By gifting a bidet like Tushy, you won’t be contributing to this sad sh*tty gift reality. Your festive unwrapper will go through cycles of delightful surprise and humor after realizing the somewhat-ridiculous but also very-interesting gift they just opened. In the end, they’ll legitimately love it, (unless they don’t poop -- see the next point) and it will be the catalyst for your family to chat about poop like it normally does over American-Chinese food or a holiday Ham. Or is that just my family?

Everyone poops. What a pitch!

Even though the quintessential children’s  book, “Everyone Poops,” is nearly forty years old, it is still scientifically significant unlike  other old books. Literally every single human on this planet poops. And your gift-getter is  no exception, unless they are the real-life version of ABC Family’s Kyle XY. Just as everyone poops, everyone can appreciate the feeling of a truly clean butt after you poop.

It says they’re your real friend.

We all talk about poop with our closest friends and family members. I’m sure even Beyonce has talked with sister Solange about her abnormal poo-schedule while on massive worldwide tours. In fact, couples who talk about poop are more happy than couples who talk about boring things like jury duty. By bestowing a bidet upon your friends and family, you’ll be sending the message that they are in your elite social circle -- and you want them to be an elite pooper, too.

You’ll be saying you care about their health.

While you might not tell your newly indoctrinated bidet user about the health benefits of Tushy at first -- although you should because the prevention of hemorrhoids, UTIs and yeast infections is something to boast about and holiday toast to -- their butt will recognize the hygienic difference sooner or later. Cranberry juice sales might go down, but it will be for the better.

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