Oops, I Ripped My... Butthole?

Elliot Friar

You can shred some waves on a surfboard, rip the fabric of space and time (can we do that yet? idk ask Neil Degrasse Tyson), and apparently tear your butthole. I learned the hard way.

Anal fissures are tears in your anal canal that make poos very painful… and potentially a little bloody. *SCREAMS*

While not serious, they are seriously sh*tty and can make you loathe going to the bathroom like Madonna loathes hydrangeas. 

These rips in your lower rectum can be created by a number of things, including taking a big ol’ sh*t (not joking), being constipated, repeated diarrhea, giving literal birth, or engaging in anal sex improperly. Pro tip: Use lube. Lots of lube. And if it doesn’t work, don’t.


Luckily, typical anal fissures should heal within a few days or weeks. Although some souls’ holes do persist for longer, in which case you should go to the doctor to make sure everything is A(ss)-Okay.

If you’ve got an anal fissure, treat your butt kindly. Don’t wipe with toilet paper (use a bidet), eat high-fiber foods for loose poops, and maybe whisper encouragements to your friend below. The latter is not medically proven, but it might help.

Anyways, from someone who has experienced anal fissures, take it from me: You and your butthole are going to be okay.