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My Thank You Letter To The Starbucks Bathroom

Elliot Friar

Dear Starbucks Bathroom,

Along with my mother and Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” album, you are always there for me in my darkest times. I’ll be on a cute first date eating a quinoa and cauliflower salad probably or joyfully walking through the park on the phone with my grandma when *IT* hits me. My heartbeat quickens and my pores open up as I begin to sweat with frantic thoughts of my next crucial move. Every second counts as, like sand in an hour glass, actual sh*t moves through my digestive tract.

Does anyone enjoy pooping in public? I’m sure there are some people who have butterflies at the very thought of christening a new bathroom with their defecation, but for me, pooping in public has never been a favorite past time. Especially considering I am forced to use toilet paper as opposed to the comforting spray of my at-home Tushy bidet (shameless plug). But in trying times, you have to make doo.

The Starbucks logo acts as a guiding down-south star for me and other would-be pants shitters. Seeing a nearby Starbucks store or finding one close by via the very helpful Starbucks app (because there are Starbucks locations literally everywhere), you can finally answer Taylor Swift’s eternal question: "Are we out of the woods?"

Yes, Taylor. We are almost in the clear.

You’re always conveniently located in the back, with your beautiful privacy, relative cleanliness, and incredibly sound proof walls. Walking through your door is like greeting an old and reliable friend who always knows what to say when you’re feeling down. You, Starbucks bathroom, are the poo paradise I don’t deserve knowing. Thank you for being my toilet to poo on forever and always. <3