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How to explain Tushy bidet to your friends when you're home for the holidays.

Elliot Friar

Going home for the holidays means spending time with your loved ones and inevitably being forced to speak with people you barely know. Naturally, poop will come up in conversation. And if it doesn’t, it could serve as a go-to topic for those awkward silences between you and your distant Aunt. There is no more-interesting convo starter than referencing that cheeky bidet start-up your butt knows and loves. It’s like you’re in a romantic relationship with Tushy -- but it’s that stage of a relationship where you’re not quite ready to bring them home for the holidays, yet comfortable enough to brag to your family and friends about how cool they are. So, we put together a little guide for talking about Tushy with anyone you might encounter over the holibidets.

To your high school ex:

Yeah, I’m doing really well for myself. I have a bidet in my bathroom and shop at Whole Foods.”

To your gay Uncle.

“Since you’re the only person in this family who doesn’t gasp when I say anal, have you heard of Tushy? It’s a bidet attachment that wouldn’t ruin the design of your straight-out-of-Better Homes & Gardens-bathroom.”

To your cool Grandma.

“Can you stop texting Ethel and listen to what I’m telling you: You can have a bidet without being an un-cool old lady now, Grandma.”

To the high school friend you run into at your hometown grocery store.

“I’m really great! Happier than ever! And my butt is cleaner than ever!”

To the weird cousin who can’t stop talking about how sh*tty the year has been.

“Yeah, this year has been sh*tty figuratively. But, have you ever thought about how sh*tty it has been literally? Let’s talk about bidets because we have nothing in common other than our bodily processes.”

To your un-cool Grandma.

“Times are changing, Grandma. Please don’t buy another dictionary or another roll of toilet paper.”

To the elementary school teacher you pass walking their dog:

“Oh no! You got dog poop on your hand? Well, this is just the perfect opportunity to discuss how you’re going to wash that poop off your hand yet you only wipe the poop off your butt…”